- Kathleen Vande Kieft
I-Messages and You-Messages
Updated May 2013
I-messages are a way of communicating in conflict that is more likely to be helpful and less likely to escalate the conflict than alternative approaches (such as "you-messages.")
Anyone involved in a conflict where they can communicate directly to the other side.
One of the easiest ways to defuse an interpersonal conflict is to avoid accusatory or escalatory language. One way to do this is by using statements about yourself and your feelings (called "I-messages" because they start with "I feel" or "I felt") instead of "you messages" which start with an accusation --"you did this [bad thing]" or "you are [another bad thing]."
The Upside of I-Messages
In other words, if you say "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your promise," you will convey the same information. But you will do so in a way that is less likely to provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your opponent.
You-messages suggest blame, and encourage the recipient to deny wrong-doing or to blame you back. For example, if you say "you broke your promise," the answer is likely to be "no, I didn't," which sets you up for a lengthy argument, or "well, you did too" which also continues the conflict.
I-messages simply state a problem, without blaming someone for it. This makes it easier for the other side to help solve the problem, without having to admit they were wrong (see, also, saving face).
Remembering to use I-messages can be difficult, however, because many people are not used to talking about themselves or their feelings. (And in some cultures, this would be highly inappropriate.)
In addition, when we are in conflict, especially an escalated conflict, there is a very strong tendency to blame many of one's problems on the other side. So stating the problem in terms of a "you-message" is much more natural, and is more consistent with one's view of the problem. But by making the effort to change one's language, one can also reframe the way one thinks about the conflict, increasing the likelihood that a resolution can be found.
The Downside of I-Messages
I-messages can be manipulative, and can give the recipient the impression that it is their responsibility to make sure the other person is always happy. In an interesting essay entitled "What's Wrong with I-Messages," Jane Bluestein argues that I-messages "are frequently used in ways that produce negative and unwanted results." The problem occurs, Bluestein argues, when we use I-messages to try to control or change someone. For example, if you say "I feel unhappy when you are late," you are really blaming the other for being late, and trying to get them to change their behavior. The focus of Bluestein's article is on parent-child relationships and communication, where she says " I-statements make the child responsible for the parents' state of mind and convey the impression to the child that he somehow has the power to control how Mommy and Daddy act and feel." This suggests that power relationships affect the use of I-messages. While equals would probably understand that they are not broadly responsible for the other's state of mind, but just need to work out a solution to a specific problem, a child or a person who feels greatly over-powered or out-ranked by another person may not recognize that. So I-messages, while useful in many circumstances, should be used with care to how they are received and interpreted.
"I get worried when you are late." as opposed to "You are late AGAIN!" Or "I feel frustrated when I work hard on a job and then do not get any acknowledgment." as opposed to: "You never give me any credit for my work."